Monthly Archives: August 2013

Amateur News Network 7

South Africa’s third ever 24/7 news channel launches, and, well…sometimes the news just writes the poetry for me. (See here, here, here, and here)

What does the “7” stand for?

From the great ‘Mother-City‘,
Of Johannesburg, SA,
A news network channel began to play.
Broadcasting hard-hitting news,
Of ‘weepons‘ in Syria,
And a DNA bill,
To capture ‘criminals easia‘.

They’re ‘not old farts‘, though,
Which would count in their favour,
If their ‘pollutal‘ ‘tenornations‘,
Weren’t ‘unaccepteble‘ behaviour.
At least for these glitches,
They have a whole year to fix,
Just in time for the next annual ‘Grand Pricks‘.

It seems odd though that a company,
That thrives on speech that is free,
Can try to ban derogatory viral videos.
Is that not called hypocrisy?
There can be no excuse, when you hire models to cut corners,
Instead of paying a little extra,
For just a few literate reporters.

-Kellan Botha

*Update: A head ANN7 Manager who resigned recently claims to be on the run from his Gupta employers’ armed bodyguard*

This spelling is ‘unaccepteble’
Yes, because nothing says “youthful exuberance” like having no experience whatsoever.

Cold-hearted Madam

The beautiful and rare Cape snows are marred by the deaths of flood and cold victims.

Cape Snows

South Africa’s Mother City,
All powdered in white,
Surprised her many children,
Who were astounded by the sight.

“The cougar looks good,”
Thought the young cities all round,
As the old Madam readied a clean white cloth,
For breakfast at her Table mound.

Her pristine visage, though,
Hid a far colder demeanour,
As her houseworker, Khayelitsha,
Toiled out in the floods and snow.

-Kellan Botha

What the EFF is going on?

Kenny Kunene leaves his top post at Julius Malema’s Economic Freedom Fighters Party.

The Court-Jester contemplates the most regal angle for his beret.
The Court-Jester eyes the link above suspiciously.

The king sat on his throne,
bored, bloated, alone,
except for his long trusted fool.
He’d dance to his master’s tunes,
and lash out at buffoons,
who’d dare call the monarchy cruel.

But the commonfolk protested,
at the lies the fool jested,
and the cash he splashed and put to waste.
The people requested,
the fool be ejected,
from the royal court, post-haste.

Bitter, angry and down,
at being given the boot,
our fool donned a red crown,
and declared the king’s ruling moot!
“I’ll revolutionise this land of corruption and greed,
and starting with me, I’ll give to those in need!”

Our fool needed support, but he was no charmer,
except to the odd Limpopo land farmer,
so he was joined by a wealthy and charismatic charmer,
who had run faraway from the king.
They called him Mr Sushi, which suited the party,
as the nation had never seen so fishy a thing.

The country still laughed, though,
even as the joker stamped his feet,
and the Sushi Lord soon tried to change tack.
He left his friend’s horde,
returning to the money he’d stored,
but hasn’t ruled out going back.

-Kellan Botha

Call Me Chelsea

The photo Chelsea (formerly Bradley) Manning called "my problem."
The photo Chelsea (formerly Bradley) Manning called “my problem.”

On Wednesday 21 August, 2013, US Private Bradley Manning, responsible for providing Wikileaks with over 700 000 classified military documents, and subsequently held over 600 days without trial, was sentenced in a military court to 35 years in prison. Today Manning, who has been openly gay for some time has made the announcement that he wishes to undergo hormone-therapy and live out his life as a woman.

A military-man in the US of A,
Saw injustice in far off countries,
“Look at these sources I give and hear what I say,”
But Manning was swiftly spirited away.
Eventually tried,
Though he declined a jury of peers,
The Private was sentenced to 35 years.
Oh how the lawyers did squabble,
And how the public did wail,
But then announced ‘Mr’ Manning,
“I’m really female.”
It stunned quite a few that the convict’s one plea
was to undergo immediate hormone-theraphy,
“Oh, and from now on please call me Chelsea.”

-Kellan Botha